Rules provide order. They offer a common ground upon which individuals interact. They create a fair framework, whether a board game, sporting activity or social context. Yet some human activities, such as relationships or parenting, are so complex and diverse as to defy the creation of a finite, fixed set of rules. It is this phenomena, I believe, that makes parenting children, even children absent emotional, behavioral or developmental problems, a very complex process. In this month’s article I will provide a pyramid framework of a conceptual model of how I believe parents can best establish and maintain rules in the process of raising children. In future articles I will elaborate on additional aspects of this model, providing reasoned and reasonable strategies for implementation.
A number of children have told me that they believe we’ve created a world with too many rules. There is no doubt that complex cultures require an extensive set of rules or chaos ensues. In the parenting process, culture aside, rules play a key role. Rules form the basis for helping children develop a number of important resilient qualities. The ability to follow rule governed behavior allows individuals to function successfully within large groups. It is the inability to consistently follow rule governed behavior that creates so much difficulty for children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder for example. Or for that matter, it is the inability to use language efficiently to solve problems that leads to behavioral difficulties for children with receptive and expressive language disorders. Rules allow children to understand boundaries. Although they frequently decry the rules, children obtain a measure of comfort and safety when they understand the boundaries and limits of the world around them. Rules form the basis for helping children develop self-discipline and serve as a guide to problem solving.
If rules are so valuable, then why does it seem children resist them? The key word here is “seem.” I don’t believe that children resist rules but rather that the process of maturity increases a child’s ability to recognize and understand the need for rules. In my nearly thirty years of clinical practice, among my most gratifying experiences has been the opportunity to help parents in need make changes within their homes and in their relationships with their children by establishing a fair and consistently implemented set of rules. In many of these families, the establishment of rules was difficult because children experienced specific developmental, emotional or behavioral problems. However, beyond the child’s unique needs, it has been my observation that establishing fair and consistent rules for many parents has been difficult because they placed the cart before the horse. That is, they are impatient for strategy without first setting their mindset.
As a parent, what is your mindset about rules, their enforcement and the consequences for infractions? How many of you can honestly say that in the time we professionals refer to BC – not before children, but before chaos – you thought about rules, enforcement and consequences. Instead what we thought about was what wonderful, engaging, patient, empathic and even tempered parents we would be. In response we expected we would have patient, calm, compliant and responsive children. But AB – after birth – many of us realized there was a discrepancy between what we expected and perhaps what our children did and were capable of doing.
In the model I am developing, I consider rules like the four points of a pyramid. Each point intrinsically connected to the others, each dependent upon the others. These four points involve rules related to four broad categories – compliance, routines, respect and self. I’ll briefly define each set of rules.
-
Compliance. Rules related to compliance consist of those involving children “doing as they’re told.” Compliance rules are critical in allowing things to get done. When children violate compliance rules, parents are often distracted, finding themselves “butting heads” with the request and often distracted from the task at hand. The basic guideline for compliance rules from parents’ perspective is that children need to do what they are asked to do, when they’re asked to do it, so long as those requests are fair and reasonable.
-
Routines. Rules related to routines allow children to negotiate every day activities without necessarily being directed to do so. Rules of routines, for example, facilitate activities in the morning, before school or in the evening before bedtime.
-
Respect. Rules related to respect extend beyond those of compliance. It is not just important for children to do as they’re asked or directed, but to speak and behave in ways that reflect respect not just for adults and peers but for all living things and the general environment.
-
Self. Finally, rules related to self are those guidelines that each individual develops and uses to direct his or her behavior throughout the day. These rules form the basis of personality style.
I suggest you begin by considering that in each of these four areas there are rules, guidelines for enforcement and consequences for success or failure. If you feel a need to change, modify or develop rules in any of these four areas, begin with a report card for each. Make a list of the rules related to compliance or routines. Consider the “self-rules” you would like your child to use to guide his or her behavior. Then give yourself a grade. Have you sufficiently defined these rules for your children? Have your children contributed to their development? How effective have you been in enforcing them? Are consequences for both success and failure well defined and consistently implemented? Then pick the area you believe is most in need of your attention. You won’t be able to change rules simultaneously in all four areas. What is it you want to change? Why is it you want to change it? Set priorities.
Finally, parenting, a process that once had few guidelines or resources for parents to turn to, now has become a popular topic for authors, radio and television programs. Sometimes it is difficult to negotiate the volume of material. I have found many valuable resources for parents interested in establishing a consistent, fair and workable set of rules within the home, particularly for difficult children.
